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Wednesday, January 1st, 2020
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Tuesday, September 29th, 2009
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"the one guy that you can't get you'll always have a thing for"
-kristin cavallari
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Monday, August 17th, 2009
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pat of it all (1:29:37 PM): baby
monkeytennis2009 (4:30:44 PM): baby??
it's called an away message.
it's called love.
it's called numb, and HE added me, seriously.
rotten love.
true blood, vash, and new aspirations.
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Saturday, July 25th, 2009
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I am so jealous of Noirin.
I've been there before.
Looking in.
Waiting while she scoops him up under her filthy wing.
Siavash SEE THROUGH IT.
In non BB news...errr
this song reminds me of Brian and it sucks.
[a lot of songs do, listening to Wonderwall and Sultans of Swing hurts my guts]
I still think about him in fleating fleats of moments.
Arab Strap-Where We've Left Our Love
On the English Riviera with the penguins and the waders. In a chip shop on the front with the tacky seaside traders. In a flooded cottage kitchen by the fire that you built. In a B & B in Peebles, underneath a hired kilt. In Barnardo's, Cancer Research, in Shelton and Oxfam. In a quiet pub in Skipton, on a rusty Blackpool tram. The Pleasure Beach and Coral Island, at the end of the North Pier. On the moors with the wild ponies and the sheep shit and the deer. In a corner of the Sub Club. On the Art School's old dance floor. In the hall and in the bath, just outside the downstairs door. On a hillside in the Trossachs, on the busy NY streets, in a hotel by a park, it's written in the sheets. In the sand at Ilfracombe, halfway up the A82, the tallest cinema in Europe, standing sighing in the queue. The all-night garages of Glasgow, the freezing streets of Aberdeen, in every corner, every room and every bed we've ever been. That's where we've left our love.
I've been to one place with him-Stirling.
In my mind we have traveled Britain together, the US together, Europe together, pubs, clubs, we have been in and out of each others heads since I was 14. We know each others worlds and have made our own time and time again. And you pushed me into some new adventure because you were too busy with a separated situation. Separate from everything.
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last night was, well, mad.
models changing shapes.
squirell's jackson five painting jutting out.
could tonight be mad or passed.
i want it passed.
mad for reasons that i fully accept responsibility and traumatic future therapy sessions for.
should i stay or should i go now?
i miss the hills
buzz buzz :: nevermind all that fuss for nothing darling..
and i'm in a fog again.
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Wednesday, July 15th, 2009
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I dunno why I ship couples that aren't "supposed" to love or be together.
I'm lying.
I kind of do know. that's kind of bullshit.
boyfriend, you can never be added to my LJ.
never.
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it's just like i wish i wasn't drunk
so i wasn't talking to a dog
i said that in my head once tonight
and it makes me sick to remember what i did to brian
he was supposed to be "the one"
this isn't home anyways
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i'm a lying cunt.
all these miles away and i can't keep my mouth shut.
seriously though what's the problem.
oh it's the water in between us.
the shirt he had on gave me a champagne laugh.
which band was it. but something you'd never wear.
and i'm not worth your bother.
but bother on me, minutes and miles later.
aren't we all so fucked up?
and whose gossiping now?
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I have two Scottish lovers.
and I still think about you.
how you poured it all into.
our war was fought so gently.
you could have never won it.
I always came out on top and you...
you lagged behind anyways and
left me for her and her and her,
it doesn't matter how stone cold it felt that night.
when you met me for the last frozen goodbye.
chilly to the songs telling.
because I'm by the lochs.
getting better by the day.
or am I? who am I?
I feel them both and don't feel anything.
I have to come home to shite.
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Wednesday, November 5th, 2008
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ooh eddie , so keep walking around shirtless.
cos i am losing my heid.
then i caught you thru the door in yer boxers.
did my flatmate see me looking melting drooling at you?
i'm hot for whatever.
yes, I can.
today I never gave that presentation.
DTJ wasn't there. NO I WAS NEVER YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.
crazy bastard class.
time to squint in physics.
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Saturday, June 14th, 2008
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46th day( -midmay)
Cold Tea.
When my muse
comes to me I'll
stomp it out on my
fag like I let you
run freezing without
my towel on.
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47thday?
Running. Not fast (enough)
(Naked) Where's my fucking towel.
Know what it means.
Old Converge fears
fags grey doom
sky pours bliss
Bliss is hardly
anything overrated or understood
Even by me
I wish I knew proper for-
mat
But I was never a
sucker for them to begin with,
To being with I forgot to ash and some Beyonce song is on
and I'm thinking he's here on the new bench I'm peeking and it's
Sta electro and the battery is dead but my batteries not so please
recharge me; your alias name's not working for a nano second or
any sort of seconds or minutes or months or years, it's been years,
can you believe that?
Probably, and I can and I cant.
To end with, smoke got in my eye and it wasn't pretty and my nano
didn't die there yet except I'm getting to thinking for nanoseconds...
minutes...months...years..it'll die...with the old chairs and Sopranos hype.
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as painfully long as our song was I couldn't shut it off.
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casting clouts [& may wasn't out]
No more frantic flees out
of a Lysol/Febreeze/smoke
stamped toilet. Head finally
(sometimes) firm, tits held
high, shuffling awkward
and self-consciously in my
big bag(s) for a light/
fag/lipglass/RAZR/
adivan/cokeamachinecola.
On low sleep high stress
much ado about every
possible thought sprinting
from neurotransmitter to
neurotransmitter.
Stunnashades hiding my
squinty eyes funky make-up.
Careful coordinations;entering a
mind overdrives environment.
Funny boy #1 sat next to
a red lobster, but I finally
laid him [to rest]-daydreams
not over.
Shoving packets into pockets,
hoping I smell like Burberry
Brit-not nicotine shite.
Funny boy No.2 a Character
worth remembering.
{Lately it's the taken ones
who flirt].
No more cringing before entering
my own fucking cramped room.
To share for two.
No grudges regrets just
annoyed cringed reflections.
NO more [w]Boro chicks
belting out R&B at three
am while I'm pondering
my next article or what I've
forgotten {I've FORGOTTEN THE
FUCKING REFLECTION] and
do I have socks low enough
so they wont peek out of my
chucks?
shuffling in the dark-
Two roommates sigh at my
manic. I'm glorified in
my hazy indifference.
The couch's calling.
Bye MTVU or drunks or
pulling couches together to
fuck or papers in 30 min.
3 days late at 3 am.
3's and undersleep.
Walking down and up to
dirty bathroom, the
curly black hair settled in
the corner as I inhaled
to bombard my stomach
with care before my
march to the chair for
hours. Better. Inspired.
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Saturday night I watch Channel 5.
I'm supposed to be at some party right now.
I kinda don't wanna walk around aimlessly looking for apartment complexes. No sense of direction & all.
I miss British TV.
I particularly like. CSI.
I miss home. I want to have a night in (probably) & another night around drunk people may be a stretch.
I don't ever dream. about you & Me.
we reconnect & it's perfect or awful or anywhere in between.
but so real.
always so real.
arrows face is etched forever. gross out, huh?
I don't ever make up stuff about us. that would be considered insanity.
Quite ridiculous how far my fantasies go.
in the future in the idealistic or madness of us.
I'm on day 30 . no alcohol. I've fucked up with prescription pills kinda.
but I'm proud of myself. I'm getting there. My ships back & I'VE CODED.
with comparing them to us. ripping myself apart with portishead & arguements.
not worth my energy, ya ken? a senior in a week-really.2 credits away or something.
so close. here comes a text to convince. let's see if I can shake it off.
I love steph though. not vagina monologues way (I NEED TO SEE THAT
I never go to school events a few art things but I'm a non-involver)...
I will pack my bags, just to stay in the corner of your heart-EDINBRA
Steph's cousin has my medicine, leafy heaven. needs direction too.
that easily swayed always hahahahhahaha. 1-2-3.
I was always so swayed by arrows & it's killing me it really is...
secret agent names. michael arrows. researched. purposeful.
like betty noir (francis black)...more meaningful.
& reba whatsherface. yikes reminds me of reba mcentire, may need to work on that.
my good ole "sis" can be Nalia. cuccia, NALIA CUCCIA. pretty good. LEMME START MY BOOK...right.
Nalia's friend Coral used to play the piano.
I am folded and unfolded and unfolding.
arrows you lied about us again...
I NEED YOU NOW LIKE I NEED YOU THEN.
YOU ALWAYS SAID THAT WE'D BE FRIENDS-SOMEDAY.
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Saturday, November 3rd, 2007
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my perfume-
ran out
FYI
In case I have-
a nervous breakdown
In case you hold someone's hand
In case common knowledge slices
puts off necessary studies
what a laugh for us-
cheers, old mate
move around-
held around-
broke down-
open restless nauseous
admittance of wrong choice
different middle no bother-
new love I grasp at yr joy.
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Friday, October 5th, 2007
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YOU CUNT. I COULD HAVE. SHOULD HAVE. WOULD HAVE.
if I wasn't how I was. now I'm torn apart by this.
but you. oh you're just fine. perfect. & he's.
just perfect. oh, fine. are you sure? if you were.
fine. would your mouth not zip? like his pants.
for one second. it's going to get better. for me.
for make-believe. coughing away every breath so
close. whose at fault? you pushed him so far.
you knew the score, you made it worse. back
& forth. no matter what words are blurred, he
wanted me more. even in that split second you turned.
worthless & we were free. you fuck, I cleaned,
dreamed of shooting you down, but you did it
yourself. he chose out of obligation. I chose
out of respect. & you laugh & look down to
our past, striking pins & needles. you
were not in our world. you are not in our
world. or my world. no one is a we. no one
is an us. except it was that way. so why
can't I just stop racing...
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Thursday, October 4th, 2007
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I tend to rant...a-streamin, [O'Stevens or Jelliot] moods...vids... bullshite into the mix cannae help it :[ WORD!
but then. I don't. I leave it up to flashes.
>>>you wanker. what am I doing?
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Monday, October 1st, 2007
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when I need to talk
it's never an uh oh
just so you know
you were never one.
it's better, we're stronger,
and faster, we knew it all along
don't worry about old daft
punk parties, it's real
it's now, it's past pain,
in the present, polluting us both.
but it's small and it's there.
again communication breaks in.
it's not i love you too's.
but i'd lie if i said i didn't want to be your izzie.
cringe, give it up. i'm barely a m8 again,
dying to pretend, lalalala cold medicine.
she's better than us both.
maybe. your lady knew me from the days when.
i hardly knew myself then. and you.
instigating shady knew us, "sister", girlfriend, broke us.
she hardly knew us, to burn us.
it's true too. that you. hardly know the truth.
because who does, with the rumours lies manifestations hatred paranoia...
[I wanted to go on the treadmill and watch Grey's
but I picked it up and moved it and I think I fucked it up...]
But to conclude.
I never made a move.
I should have. Fucksakes.
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agentcmk's journal
sick.
high.
energetic.
guilty.
crazy.
dorky.
amused.
blah.
fuck you callie.
BURNT.